3/6/2019 0 Comments Speak to the liesA wonderful woman I recently met said the most profound and impactful thing to me today. I didn't have the best childhood and at times my adult life has been quite challenging. Sometimes that gets in the way of joy, peace and grace...I can be so hard on myself and on my loved ones, finding fault in everything.
So my angel said to me today...speak to those lies. Tell the they're wrong. Tell them the things you ARE good at, the things you ARE doing right. And that was not only exactly what I needed to hear, it was the proverbial epiphany moment where you hear angels and see the sun shining through the clouds and you sense the presence of God. We all create them. I'm not good enough. I'm not thin enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not smart enough.I shouldn't have yelled. Not only is the enemy in your ear, wanting you to believe the lies, we destroy ourselves by actually listening. What would you say to your lies today? Tell them you are a good mother and a good wife. You are a good friend. You work hard and you do your best everyday. These words will give you power of your enemy and will prevent him (and yourself) from having power over you. Love and Peace.
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2/20/2019 0 Comments Conflicted...My mother is currently in surgery. She's having a double mastectomy for stage 1 carcinoma. Breast cancer.
My great-grandmother had it. My grandmother had it. My mother now has it. My risk has increased 5x with her diagnosis. With all of this information, I'm scared. I'm confused. My relationship with my mother is quite complicated. Far too much too go into for now, but it tempers my response to her diagnosis and her surgery. I don't really know what else to say or perhaps even how to properly respond. 2/19/2019 1 Comment Starting anewI had lunch with a fabulous young woman today. Someone I hope to call a good friend. We both have autistic sons and find a tremendous amount of comfort in God and his path for us. She is an author..a published one at that(!)...and she asked me if I blog. I sheepishly had to admit that I started a blog a year ago when my grandmother was sick but I never did anything with it. So in that moment, I decided that I'm going to change that. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm going to change it. So here we go.
My goal is to figure out what I'm doing not only in general with my life but in also putting my words onto "paper". My goal after that is to try to be an inspiration to other mothers with special needs children. We all have such a sense of loneliness and feeling like no one else understands...so if we all feel this way, we all understand! Why aren't we better about acknowledging that with each other and helping each other? My goal after THAT is to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. So here we go...starting anew.... I've been thinking about starting a blog probably for years now. Somehow I think I expect it to be cathartic and therapeutic. Ha, we'll see.
Today's blog will have absolutely no back story about what I truly intend to write about and bring attention to, which is primarily my son's sensory processing disorder, adhd and mild autism diagnosis and the journey we've had to this point. I will get to that. It will take time. Today as I am writing this, my 24 year old cousin is being laid to rest. Last Friday he took his own life. It is a tremendous burden and saddens me beyond words, beyond basic communicable abilities, that he felt his only option was to opt out. It resonates in my core that his mind had gone to a place that only allowed him one choice, the ultimate choice. No returns, no take backs, no tomorrows. No final goodbyes, no I'm sorries, no last chances. Just an ending. And then the rest of us move forward. Forward where? Forward how? Forward when? To add to this sorrow, my grandmother was hospitalized yesterday. She hadn't been feeling well and went in for a biopsy on her liver last week. I've known since that moment that the prognosis won't be good. Last night we found out she's full of cancer. She'll miss her grandson's funeral today and that alone may kill her. All of this is so much to bear, so hard to talk about and think about. Yet there are no choices. I had to get up today, try to be a mother to my children, try to be an employee and a wife. But it's hard. I don't want to do any of those things. I want my husband to just understand and stop asking me what's wrong when I cry. I mean what's not wrong is probably a better question, right? What's right? What made you smile or laugh today? On top of that, my 6 year old was beligerent and combative with me this morning. He couldn't focus, couldn't get himself dressed. He was myopically and obsessively focused on playing legos. No homework, no shower, no cooperation in getting ready for school. Finally out of desparation and frustration I asked him why he had to do that. I'm so sad, I'm so upset, why can't you please just help and listen? You wouldn't treat your teacher this way. (He adores her). And he actually thought about it. He said he is nice to her but he doesn't know why he's not nice to me. It's his brain, he said. I wanted to die. I wanted to curl up on the floor and sob and hold him and tell him I'm so sorry for making my problems his problems. That it's not his fault his brain doesn't work sometimes. Hell sometimes my brain doesn't work. He told me he wants to think about what he did. That's progress, but should he have to feel that way? Is it his responsiblity to make me feel better? No. But sometimes I'm human. Super mom is taking a nap or is in the shower or hell, let's admit it..she's probably at the bar....and I'm here. I can't smile and take a deep breath and be calm and help him get dressed after having asked 20 times. I can't keep a calm voice when the kids are fighting over everything but really nothing. I can't pretend my heart isn't broken wide open right now and I feel like there's no one here to make me feel better but I am always there for all of you, to make you feel better. Sometimes I just can't. I know tomorrow will be better. We will make progress. I'll be a better mom. Tomorrow. |
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