I've been thinking about starting a blog probably for years now. Somehow I think I expect it to be cathartic and therapeutic. Ha, we'll see.
Today's blog will have absolutely no back story about what I truly intend to write about and bring attention to, which is primarily my son's sensory processing disorder, adhd and mild autism diagnosis and the journey we've had to this point. I will get to that. It will take time. Today as I am writing this, my 24 year old cousin is being laid to rest. Last Friday he took his own life. It is a tremendous burden and saddens me beyond words, beyond basic communicable abilities, that he felt his only option was to opt out. It resonates in my core that his mind had gone to a place that only allowed him one choice, the ultimate choice. No returns, no take backs, no tomorrows. No final goodbyes, no I'm sorries, no last chances. Just an ending. And then the rest of us move forward. Forward where? Forward how? Forward when? To add to this sorrow, my grandmother was hospitalized yesterday. She hadn't been feeling well and went in for a biopsy on her liver last week. I've known since that moment that the prognosis won't be good. Last night we found out she's full of cancer. She'll miss her grandson's funeral today and that alone may kill her. All of this is so much to bear, so hard to talk about and think about. Yet there are no choices. I had to get up today, try to be a mother to my children, try to be an employee and a wife. But it's hard. I don't want to do any of those things. I want my husband to just understand and stop asking me what's wrong when I cry. I mean what's not wrong is probably a better question, right? What's right? What made you smile or laugh today? On top of that, my 6 year old was beligerent and combative with me this morning. He couldn't focus, couldn't get himself dressed. He was myopically and obsessively focused on playing legos. No homework, no shower, no cooperation in getting ready for school. Finally out of desparation and frustration I asked him why he had to do that. I'm so sad, I'm so upset, why can't you please just help and listen? You wouldn't treat your teacher this way. (He adores her). And he actually thought about it. He said he is nice to her but he doesn't know why he's not nice to me. It's his brain, he said. I wanted to die. I wanted to curl up on the floor and sob and hold him and tell him I'm so sorry for making my problems his problems. That it's not his fault his brain doesn't work sometimes. Hell sometimes my brain doesn't work. He told me he wants to think about what he did. That's progress, but should he have to feel that way? Is it his responsiblity to make me feel better? No. But sometimes I'm human. Super mom is taking a nap or is in the shower or hell, let's admit it..she's probably at the bar....and I'm here. I can't smile and take a deep breath and be calm and help him get dressed after having asked 20 times. I can't keep a calm voice when the kids are fighting over everything but really nothing. I can't pretend my heart isn't broken wide open right now and I feel like there's no one here to make me feel better but I am always there for all of you, to make you feel better. Sometimes I just can't. I know tomorrow will be better. We will make progress. I'll be a better mom. Tomorrow.
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